The American Jingoist

Articles From Stoos Views

To Promote Understanding and Tolerance….

Hugh Betcha to Build Gay Bar near Ground Zero Mosque

By William Kevin Stoos  Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hugh Betcha, Ace Reporter for the Stoos Views Media Congolomerate in beautiful downtown Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the values are good and the people vote red—recently announced a new venture in New York City. Hugh, the Chief of the Alternate Lifestyles and Tolerance Bureau of Stoos Views, moved to tears by the goodwill and tolerance displayed by Mayor Bloomberg and President Obama toward the proposed Ground Zero Mosque soon to be built in the Big Apple, and desirous of promoting tolerance of gay men and women around the world, recently announced that he has been granted permission by the New York City Zoning Commission to open a gay night club across the street from the Ground Zero Mosque.

“I was so moved my the outpouring of tolerance and understanding displayed by the Mayor and President Obama as they vigorously defended the right of the Muslims to build the Ground Zero Mosque near the place where 3,000 Americans were slaughtered by radical Islamists, that I thought now is the time to promote tolerance of the gay lifestyle—something that is sorely lacking in the Muslim world,” Hugh announced to a packed room of reporters.

“After all, since they have no gays in Iran, according to Ahmadinejad—either because they killed or jailed them all—and since gays in other Muslim countries are persecuted, tortured, and killed for their lifestyle, I thought, hey, what better way to educate the world on tolerance of our gay brothers and sisters?” he continued.

“That way, when Ahmadinejad comes to visit New York again and make another of his many speeches here, he can stop by, worship at the Ground Zero Mosque, then come over, sample the cuisine, and dance a little. Perhaps he will change his mind about gays. Rumor has it that he is bisexual and cross dresses in the privacy of his own home, so perhaps we can even get him to come out of the closet.”

Asked what the new business will entail, Hugh replied: “We will cater to the gay, lesbian and transgender crowd, but all are welcome—Saudi Princes who finance terrorism, radical Jew-hating leaders like Ahmadinejad, and anyone else. That is what tolerance is all about. Like Obama said, ‘in America a landowner has a perfect right to build whatever he wants on his property.’ So, all are welcome. We will feature pork hotdogs and pork tenderloins, all served on our famous Tali-buns, in order to promote good ole fashion Midwestern pork products and American agriculture. We will also feature our special house drink—the Pork Martini. My bartender, Tom Cook, thought that one up and the idea stuck. People love them.”

“Isn’t that a little insensitive?” an MSNBC reporter asked Hugh. “Won’t some Muslims be offended by a gay bar across the street, featuring a pork menu and pork drinks?”

“Well, as the President said this week, it is not a matter of whether we should—but whether we can. Like the Ground Zero Mosque, it is not a matter of whether they should, but whether they can. Yes we can! So we will. In time, we are certain those who finance, build, and attend the Ground Zero Mosque will grow to love alcohol drinking, pork-eating, gay persons, just like New Yorkers will learn to love and respect the idea of a Ground Zero Mosque being built close to the site where radical Islamists killed 3,000 of our fellow countrymen. Tolerance is the thing…and it works both ways. There is no other way to teach respect for those with different views. Like the President said this week—we must tolerate persons of different faiths, beliefs, lifestyles and genders. That is what American is all about.”

Asked by a reporter whether Hugh had talked to his buddy, President Obama, about the proposed gay bar, Hugh replied:

“Of course, we had a beer summit at the White House a couple nights ago, got totally ‘faced with the President and he—being a tolerant person—immediately warmed up to the idea. Bloomberg too.”

“What did the President say?”

“Right after he and Bloomberg pray at the grand opening of the new Ground Zero Mosque, they are going to come over to The Wiener Hut, eat some dogs and do a little dancing.”
Copyright © 2010 William Kevin Stoos

The Transformative Power of Hate

Panthers

By William Kevin Stoos  Thursday, July 15, 2010

Racial prejudice is ugly. I never knew how ugly until I was on the receiving end.

“Cornell” was a black kid from the projects on the South Side of Chicago. He was a neatly dressed, diminutive young man, with a round, open face and a smile that could light up a room. He was the kind of guy you instantly liked. And we became fast friends my sophomore year in college. I was a small town boy from rural southern Iowa and he was a big city boy from Chicago. Neither of us had really ever had a friend like the other. He did not run around with many white kids in school. Other than one family in my hometown—who were nice folks and well respected in the community—I did not know many black people.

We often went to the student union and played pool, or ate dinner in the dorms and generally hung out together for almost a year until.  I enjoyed his company. He was a cute kid, intelligent, and fun to be around. He was one of my best friends.

During the late sixties and early seventies, The University of Iowa was a melting pot of many races, nationalities, religions, ethnic groups and philosophies. It was part of the attraction of the place. It is where small town Iowa kids met people from diverse cultures and backgrounds; and where people from other cultures met Midwesterners—some of the friendliest, most hospitable people in the world. Iowa was a tolerant place and the university was special. It was not a place associated with hate groups. There were no Skinheads or black separatist groups or other such groups on campus. Iowa was, generally, mellow. Everyone largely got along and benefited from the association with others of different backgrounds. It was part of the attraction of the place, and one of the main reasons I attended the school.

But, during Vietnam, the school experienced an occasional protest, riot, and even one pitched battle in the streets between war protestors and police which resulted in the tear gassing of a dorm and a few burned buildings. Some said that Iowa stood second only to Berkeley and Madison when it came to anti-war protests. Like society in general, the University of Iowa was a place of social and political ferment. Some of the more radical elements on campus such as the SDS and Weathermen—of which there were a few—preached hatred of the system,  overthrow of capitalism, and declared war on The Man. After Kent State, we had our share of riots in the streets—some of which were ugly.  As an Army ROTC student, I experienced the wrath of the protestors first hand on more than one occasion. It was a strange, interesting, introspective and even tumultuous time for the campus as with much of society in general. Some of the voices were strident, even ugly. Students with malleable minds could be influenced, in bad ways.

Cornell was a shy, quiet kid—studious and, most of the time, reserved. Other than me, he seemed to have few friends on campus. I valued his friendship and I believed it worked both ways. There was no indication to the contrary.

One day everything changed.  After class, I went to his room and knocked on the door to see if he wanted to hang out that night after studying. For reasons I could not divine, he was uncharacteristically aloof and even unfriendly. Did he want to hang out? I asked him. “Naw, man,” he said, dismissively, “I got a thing tonight. Maybe some other time.” Then he shut the door. I retreated to my room. Perhaps he was having a bad day.

I did not know that the Black Panther Party was holding a rally for black students that very evening. This black nationalist hate group that preached Maoism, violence, hatred of the white race, and overthrow of the government, had come to campus to recruit new members.  Their founders were associated with murders of police officers and civilians alike, violence against the government, robberies, and bombings. I could no more imagine my friend going to a Panther rally that I could envision myself attending a Skinhead convention. Unfortunately, this rally was the “thing” that Cornell had going that night. That he would go was unthinkable.

The next day, after class I met Cornell in the hallway. Something had changed. He was sullen and morose. Gone was the radiant smile. The look he gave me sent chills down my spine. This was not the Cornell I knew, but a hostile, scowling person, wearing a black leather jacket and looking like he could spit. I was almost afraid to approach him.

“Do you want to hang out?” I asked, timidly.

“No, man,” he replied, curtly.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“You’re just like all the rest of those Honky Mother-*******!” he replied, as he walked off.

I stood there in the hallway, nonplussed, and reeling from the imaginary knife in my gut.

Sadly, we never hung out again. He became hateful, reclusive, and avoided the guys on the floor. What happened the night before, I do not know, but the transformation was startling. Gone was the valued friend whose company I enjoyed, and with whom I had never had a cross word. In his place stood a bigot and a stranger I never knew. The change was ugly and shocking. Whatever poison they fed him was powerful and fast acting. Had I been so naïve? Was there a racist beneath a veneer of civility and friendliness that I had not seen? Whatever demons had lurked beneath the surface, the Panthers were able to draw out. They turned a very nice young man into a hate-filled racist.

Sadly, we never spoke again. To him, I was a just a white-skinned devil like all the rest. He no longer wanted my company. I was no longer his friend, his companion, confidante or pool playing buddy. I was simply white and, therefore, the Enemy.  My father once said that there is no bad experience—only experience. And it happens either for our benefit or guidance. If there was anything to be gained from this episode it was this: I learned how I never want to treat others. And how demeaning it is to judge another by their skin tones.

In time the Panthers became largely irrelevant (if they ever were relevant) and their influence waned. They became merely an evil footnote in the history of race relations in America. They were hoist by their own petard.  Ultimately the very violence they preached was their undoing.  Many of their founders were jailed, killed during shootouts, or otherwise died violently. Some, like Eldridge Cleaver, saw the light, turned to religion, renounced violence, and tried to become productive members of society. But they were the exception. When it came to hate mongering, they were good at what they did. And the damage they did to race relations in this country was incalculable. To this day, I curse their memory, these Panthers. It was not so much the racial insult, or the fact that I became, briefly, the object of prejudice. It was the look in his eyes that I will remember—the transformative power of hate. The worst part was, it cost me a friend.

An Oasis for Thirsty Souls: A Tribute to Trinity Heights/Queen of Peace, Sioux City, Iowa

Stainless Mother, Stainless Son

By William Kevin Stoos  Friday, May 21, 2010

On a windswept bluff overlooking the east side of Sioux City, Iowa, above the hustle, bustle, and cacophony of the city below lies a serene spiritual oasis of peace and tranquility containing some of the most beautiful monuments to the Christian faith anywhere. It may be one of the best-kept secrets in the country; yet it is a secret that should not be kept, for this place was meant to be shared by all persons of faith—to inspire, invigorate and remind us of the foundations of our faith.

What has now become collectively known as Trinity Heights/Queen of Peace, was the brainchild of the late Father Harold Cooper of Sioux City. Father Cooper visited a statue of the Blessed Virgin during a trip out west and was inspired to create a memorial to the faith in his hometown, to aid believers in their spiritual journey. What began 1992 with the erection of a thirty-foot statue of the Holy Mother atop a hill on the former site of Trinity College, has now, by the grace of God and the work of dedicated believers, expanded into seventy four acres of verdant serenity—a veritable outdoor cathedral, inspiring no less awe, wonder, and reverence than one would experience entering a place of worship. One has only to walk quietly around the beautiful grounds to know that the Holy Spirit is moving in this place.

Visitors are greeted at the entrance by an impressive metal sculpture of the Archangel Michael doing battle with the serpent. He is the protector of this place, who serves as a reminder of the constant battle between good and evil. As one drives up the steep incline to the top of the hill he is invited to tour the grounds, which contains a myriad of beautiful monuments, plaques, shrines, grottos commemorating the faith, and statues honoring various saints–all beautifully situated along paths and walkways leading to private areas where visitors may stop awhile to meditate or pray. The Way of the Cross invites the pilgrim to visit the stations privately, reverently, under the azure skies above in a contemplative setting. A small brook, whose soft babbling adds to the serenity of the place traverses the western portion of the grounds and empties into a pond. And everywhere there is green, calm serenity and blessed quiet.

One of the most impressive and inspiring offerings of Trinity Heights is the life-sized, beautifully carved and true to life sculpture of da Vinci’s The Last Supper. Painstakingly fashioned for seven years by world-class sculptor Jerry Traufler of Le Mars, Iowa—a devout Christian who travels extensively to visit religious shrines and has himself created a masterpiece–Traufler’s The Last Supper is a magnificent rendition of the Lord’s last meal and a work unmatched anywhere. Using hometown folks and family members as models, Mr. Traufler has created a unique and awe-inspiring work of religious art—and one of a very few life-sized depictions of The Last Supper in the entire world. One cannot look at his work and fail to conclude that the Holy Spirit worked powerfully through the hands of this devout man, who was kind enough to donate his masterpiece to Trinity Heights.  The sculpture vividly brings to life The Last Supper in a way that words or pictures cannot. Viewing Jesus and the Twelve reclining at table in the eerie quiet of the dimly lit wood-domed room that houses Traufler’s work, the visitor feels as if he or she is actually present in the Upper Room on the night He was betrayed. Were The Last Supper the only attraction in Trinity Heights, it alone would be worth the visit.

Outside the St. Joseph Center which houses The Last Supper, the grounds are generally separated into two venues—one presided over by the Holy Mother, who stands atop the Mound of Mary, the other by her Son, who presides over the “Outdoor Cathedral.” On the east side of the grounds stands a magnificent statue of Mary with her arms outstretched—beckoning to the visitor as a mother would welcome a child.  It seems that there was some debate and even an element of mystery about the placement of the statue of Mary itself. In the end, whether by happenstance, divine intervention, or coincidence (the name God uses when He wants to remain anonymous) the Mound of Mary, on which she stands, ended up precisely on the spot where the Trinity College Chapel had been located years before. It seems that the only spot suitable for Mary was the exact location of the former chapel.  The placement of the Holy Mother on the grounds was, like the rest of the project, guided by an unseen hand.

The stainless steel sculpture of Mary, created by world-famous sculptor Dale Lamphere, is majestic, elegant in its simplicity, and poignantly captures the dignity and beauty of the Holy Mother. Her beautiful robe sweeps gracefully toward the east, as if brushed by the gentle zephyrs that perennially sweep over the bluffs of Northwest Iowa. Her pensive, soulful expression invites the visitor to tell her his troubles. She seems to inquire of us, “What would you have me ask my Son?”  Surrounding Mary are pathways leading to the twenty decades of the Rosary, and beautiful seasonal plants and flowers. A short distance away lies a beautiful monument to the sanctity of life, which one enters through an ornate wrought iron gate. Herein lies the tomb of the unborn child, which commemorates the victims of abortion, and a statue of Rachael weeping for her child. Mary’s domain is an inviting place,  reminiscent of a mother’s undying love of her children.  Fittingly, Mary arrived at Trinity before Jesus—as if waiting for her Son, who came six years later.  Her right hand—as if by divine design—points toward her Son.

On the opposite side of Trinity Heights stands Mary’s Son, Jesus, whose thirty-three-foot statue, also sculpted by Mr. Lamphere, dominates the western portion of the grounds. The stainless steel sculpture of Jesus faces toward his Mother—and invites the visitors to lay their burdens at His feet. His face is serious, confident, and peaceful. His robe falls gracefully down to His feet and His outstretched arms welcome the pilgrims beneath Him. His reassuring pose evokes the words of Matthew 11:28: “Come unto me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”  As you ponder the imposing statue of Christ you are tempted to sit for a time and lay your burdens at His feet. This is truly a place of awe and reverence.

Jesus presides over beautiful gardens, the Stations of the Cross, the monuments to the saints, the Eight Beatitudes which line the way to His statue, shrines to the Blessed Virgin, tributes to three score saints of the church,  and other reminders of our faith. Trinity’s Outdoor Cathedral is a perfect place to clear your mind. I go there now and then to sit and contemplate. This is a perfect place to take your worries, or simply be alone with God and meditate. Trinity Heights is truly a church; missing only are the walls and ceiling. I often think how many times I have driven hundreds or thousands of miles to view monuments or attractions far less worthy than Trinity Heights—which is in my own back yard. Here, in the middle of Sioux City, Iowa, is an oasis of peace and tranquility–a little piece of Heaven on earth.

Trinity Heights invites the pilgrim to recharge his spiritual batteries, escape the busy-ness of the world for a few blessed moments, and view some of the most beautiful monuments to the faith anywhere. It reminds us of that which is important, majestic, mysterious, and inspiring about our faith. One has only to view the amazing hand-carved figures of The Last Supper, cast eyes upon the beautiful Mother of God, sit at the feet of her Son, or tour the perfectly-manicured grounds, to be inspired and filled with the Holy Spirit. Trinity Heights reminds us of what we believe and why. It is a feast for the hungry soul, and all are invited to partake—Catholics and non-Catholics alike.

Trinity Heights is a place where the Two Hearts beckon; where the sun rises over Mary in the morning and sets over her Son at dusk.  Here you can visit them, be awed by them, and inspired by them. Perfect and without stain in life, now perfectly captured in metal—Stainless Mother, Stainless Son.

Special thanks to Ms. Mary Stevens, Director of the Trinity Heights St. Joseph Center (mstevens@trinityheights.com), Ms. Terry Moran, Director of the Trinity Heights Marian Center (terry.moran@trinityheights.com), and Duane Sudbeck—tireless workers for the faith and spirit-filled servants of God. Please visit their website at: trinityheights.com.

Thanks also to Ms. Judi McLeod, Publisher of the renown Canada Free Press, for her unwavering support of the Church and religious freedom.

Obama Lectures Governor of Arizona

“I Will Not Protect Our Borders And Neither Should You!”

By William Kevin Stoos  Wednesday, April 28, 2010

- Satire-

In an effort to explain his refusal to protect the southern border of the United States from the torrent of illegal immigrants, drugs, and the spread of violence that has cost the lives of United States citizens, President Obama summoned “The Most Trusted Name in the News 2010,” Stoos Views’ own Hugh Betcha, for an exclusive interview in the Oval Office. Hugh, Chief of the International Desk of the Stoos Views worldwide media conglomerate, a man who walks with kings and princes (but unlike the President, bowing to none), caught a quick flight from Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the people vote red, and the centre still holds—and flew into Foggy Bottom. Ushered into the President’s office after a short ride in the Presidential limousine, Hugh settled down for a frank discussion with the President on the troublesome issue of illegal immigration and Arizona’s attempt to staunch the flow of illegals, drugs and violence that has plagued the state.

The President seemed to be a bit tense and out of sorts during the interview—which was atypical. Normally at ease with his drinking buddy and the winner of MSNBC’s Most Trusted Name in the News Award, 2010—Hugh Betcha—the President was uncharacteristically defensive.

“I told that Governor that I would not protect the borders and neither should she,” Obama said, sternly. “I do not want the world to think we are inhospitable racists. I want the world to like us. It is more important to be liked than respected, after all.”

“But aren’t the illegals causing a tremendous drain on the economy, medical resources and law enforcement down there?” Hugh asked.

“Please do not use that word,” the President replied curtly.

“What word?”

“Illegal. It is mean spirited.”

“What then?”

“I prefer undocumented,” the President said.

“But these undocumented aliens are wreaking havoc on the state and you have done nothing to protect it.”

“Please do not use such language in here.”

“What?” Hugh asked.

“Aliens. That sounds so harsh. We do not use such language here. They are persons from places other than the United States. Again, I have instructed all federal employees and appointees never to use such language. It may well offend someone.”

“Well the point being Mr. President, that if you do nothing to protect the borders, then we face a serious threat not only from the undocumented persons from places other than the United States but also Muslin terrorists. They can easily sneak across our southern border now.”

“Once again, please do not use such language.”

“You mean…”

“Yes, Muslim terrorists.”

“But, weren’t the guys who bombed New York Muslim terr—-“

“—No, they are disagreeable people of another faith who want to hurt us. I have issued an Executive Order to this effect effective immediately.”

“Okay Mr. President, but the original point here is this: you do not want the Governor of Arizona to protect her state from the flood of undocumented persons from places other than the United States and disagreeable people of another faith who want to hurt us, right?”

“Correct. Such action is preempted by federal law. The protection of the southern border is the exclusive province of the federal government.”

“But if you do not act—“

“We might, and we have the right to—not the state.”

“But what if you don’t act?”

“Well, we might some day.”

“In the meantime, people on our side are getting murdered, drugs are streaming into the country, and people like that nice rancher are gunned down by undocumented persons from places other than the United States, and the resources of the state are being drained.”

“Collateral damage.”

“What?”

“Collateral damage—we must break some eggs in order to make an omelet. Immigration is what makes this country great. I am loathe to stop it.”

“Why?”

“You see these folks streaming across the borders illegally as a threat to the country. I see those folks differently.”

“How do you see them?”

“Future Democratic voters.”

Frisco Scraps “Meatless Monday” Plan!

Beef-Fry Days (B.F.D.) Resolution Passed By San Francisco Supervisors

By William Kevin Stoos  Friday, April 9, 2010

No sooner had San Francisco announced its Meatless Mondays program—proposed by Supervisor Sophie “Meatless” Maxwell—vegetarian, than they scrapped the plan in favor of a more traditional way to curb pollution in the United States. Of course, this startling development caught the eye of Ace Reporter and “Most Trusted Name in the News 2010,” Hugh Betcha. Hugh, Chief of the Food Bureau of the Stoos Views media conglomerate in Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the folks vote red and the centre still holds—called Heather “Muffin” Goodearth, spokes- individual for the San Francisco Board of Supervisors—to get the lowdown. Heather, who took the call for Maxwell, who was attending a conference on “Offending the Goddess of Nature—How to Protect the Ecosphere,” at the Frisco University Institute of Technology—Cows Are Killing the Environment division (F.R.U.I.T.C.A.K.E) explained the sudden change in attitude by the Supervisors.

“We got it all wrong,” she noted, almost apologetically. “Studies by environmental scientists at F.R.U.I.T.C.A.K.E. have proved beyond any doubt that cow flatus—not automobiles, volcanic eruptions or industrial emissions—is responsible for most of the air pollution world wide. These are the same scientists who argued for the elimination of all plastic bags, the banning of warships in the harbor, the health hazards of smoking in outdoor cafes, the danger of mixing different types of compost, and the danger of mean thoughts, so we cannot question their findings. That being the case we decided that Meatless Mondays was the wrong approach altogether.”

“Why?” Hugh inquired—always good at such incisive questions.

“Simply put, cows are the enemy. By promoting Meatless Mondays, we are actually encouraging cow life—which is detrimental to human life and the environment. Their “gas” if you will, is sucking the life out of the planet. Al Gore has advised us candidly, that if cattle are allowed to live, there will be no oxygen left on the planet within five years—the same time that the polar ice caps melt. Therefore the answer is simple….”

“…that is?”

“We must ban their production and eat them all.”

“Say what?”

“Yes, we have changed our thinking about this matter and have a two fold plan: First, the San Francisco Board of Supervisors will announce this week the passage of a strong resolution condemning the production of all beef henceforth, and banning the raising of cattle within the city limits of San Francisco. This ban will serve as a beacon to all other cities, states and nations—just as we have led the way on every major social issue of the day. We expect our great Leader Nancy Pelosi to introduce national legislation to this effect later this year—but we must start somewhere. So the resolution will be announced this week and strictly enforced. Second, beginning this week, the Board will pass a resolution announcing that, henceforth, every Friday in San Francisco shall be “Beef-Fry Day.” All citizens (except Sophie) will be ordered to eat as much beef as possible and thereby do their part to eliminate the scourge of these gas-passing behemoths who are sucking the oxygen from the planet, destroying the ozone layer, melting the poles and killing thousands of those baby polar bears who are left homeless by the melting icecaps.”

“What is the theory here?” Hugh inquired.

“By outlawing the production of beef—which will certainly catch on when others read our resolution and do the same—and eating those that remain, we clean up the air—it is that simple.”

“Wow, this is indeed innovative. What is next?”

“We will ban auto emissions within the city limits and thereby eliminate the second biggest source of pollution on the planet next to bovine flatulence.”

“You mean….”

“Yes….Motorless Mondays. No driving within the city limits of San Francisco on Mondays. Watch the papers. And if that works as we expect…”

“Don’t tell me….”

“Autoless August.”

Obama Delays Trip to Ensure Destruction of Health Care System

By William Kevin Stoos  Sunday, March 14, 2010

-Satire

Well on his way to accomplishing the last of his three presidential priorities:

1. Releasing terrorists to kill Americans again (See: Stoos, Obama’s “Adopt-A-Jihadist” Program for Gitmo Prisoners and Obama’s “Adopt a Jihadist Program” Part 2: Gitmo Honor Graduate Resumes Career);
2. Apologizing to the world for the greatest country on earth (See: Stoos, World Groveling Tour Takes Its Toll: Obama Recovering From Serious Back Injuries) and
3. Destroying the American health care system (See Stoos, The Future Of Medicine Under Obama Universal Coverage for Health (O.U.C.H.)  President Obama recently announced the delay of World Groveling Tour 2—his long-planned trip to Oceania.

The President announced that he intends to stay back in order to assist Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi in their socialist campaign to turn America’s health care over to the government, raise taxes on the middle class, cut Medicare benefits, punish private insurers,  and reduce payments to medical providers. His plan—Obama Universal Care for Health (O.U.C.H)—appears well on its way to passage, He told his plans to veteran reporter, Hugh Betcha, during a hastily arranged private conference call to Hugh’s office at the sprawling headquarters of the Stoos Views International Media Conglomerate in Wynstone, SD—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, people vote red and the centre still holds.

“How do you plan to convince the reluctant Members to vote for the Senate draft of O.U.C.H.?” Hugh asked the President.

“Well, we have many options—as I said previously, I always have a backup plan.”

“Such as…”

“Well, we can use gentle persuasion. The Cornhusker Kickback, or the Louisiana Purchase, for example. They all seemed to work out fine. Of course, those Senators will not be reelected next time, but we got their vote at least. Same thing ought to work on the House side this time.”

“And if bribery does not work?”

“It’s not bribery,” the President retorted, “just selective redistribution of federal funds.”

“And if that does not work?”

“Well, we take to the showers,” the President said sternly.

“You don’t mean…”

“Yeah, we discuss the issues with any reluctant Members in a more casual setting.”

“Such as…”

“We send a naked Rahm Emanuel into the shower room after them. Nothing more intimidating than an angry naked man with a knife standing in close proximity to your private parts.”

“Isn’t that a little cruel?”

“Perhaps, but effective. This issue is just too important. It worked on Massa after all. ”

“And if that does not work?”

“We send in Harry Reid. If a naked Harry Reid does not scare them, nothing will. Scares the hell out of me I gotta tell you.”

Repulsed at the thought, Hugh hurriedly changed the subject.

“Why a tour of the Pacific at this time?”

“Need another break—I have been working for a couple months straight now. It is clear that I am going to be a one-termer, so I have to get in as much travel time compliments of Uncle Sugar as I can. Besides, there are still a few countries in the world that I have not apologized to as yet.”

“Why?”

“It is the cornerstone of my foreign policy and the best defense we have. I want the world to like us. If they like us, the terrorists won’t attack us anymore.  Simple as that. After all, it is better to be liked than feared.”

“What will be the theme of the tour this time?”

“FORGIVE U.S. 2010.”

“What will you do there?”

“Visit Guam and apologize for freeing them from the Japanese during World War II, visit Indonesia and assure them we are not a Christian nation; and apologize to Australia for providing the nuclear shield that has protected the Free World for 60 years now.”

“Do you plan to prostrate yourself to foreign leaders this time as well?”

“I am sure we can find someone to bow to, yes.”

“What are you doing differently this time?”

“”Packing my knee pads and back brace, just in case.”

Sarah Palin: Hoist By Her Own Petard

By William Kevin Stoos  Wednesday, March 10, 2010

COL John “Jack” Sallee was a good man. Witty, charming, and decisive, he had a way of cutting through the BS. He was my Commanding Officer in the Army. I was sorry to hear of his passing.  He prominently displayed a sign on the wall of his office in the headquarters building. Perhaps it was a warning to his troops, but I think it was an endearing, sort of self-deprecating reminder.

In big, bold letters it read:  “DON’T DO DUMB THINGS”.  It was simple, eloquent, and said it all—good advice for all of us. I wish Sarah Palin had met COL Sallee, or at least read his sign.

Hugh Betcha and the staff of Stoos Views have long supported Sarah Palin—for what their support was worth—in several previous columns.  They defended her against her Democrat detractors, against the slander and libel directed toward her wonderful family, and against the mean-spirited, sleazy Letterman jokes about the rape of Sarah’s daughter.

Since her sudden appearance on the national scene, Sarah has been the darling of the Right—and many people in the middle of the political spectrum. She has many endearing qualities, including; strong family values, good morals, advocate of the unborn and those born with challenges, and a happy outgoing personality. But, unfortunately, she just keeps doing dumb things.

We all do dumb things, but we all do not run for President of the greatest country on earth. And, we who do not run for President, expect more from those who do. We expect a modicum of good judgment; comprehension of the great issues of our day; the ability to think on your feet; circumspection; wisdom; and the ability to lead with one’s brain rather than one’s chin.  And we hope that whoever aspires to that high office can at least avoid shooting themselves in the foot most of the time. Many of us had hoped that Sarah would display strong leadership and sound judgment. But, it is becoming increasingly hard to give her the benefit of the doubt.

First, it was the Saturday Night Live appearance where she made a fool of herself during the campaign by participating in various semi-funny skits lampooning herself. They were cute to a point, but mostly embarrassing and unbecoming a person who aspires to lead this great country. It is one thing to be caricatured; it is quite another to draw the cartoon yourself. The whole episode was clownish and she allowed herself to become a caricature. She never quite shed that image.

Then there was the Katie Couric ambush in which Sarah was a willing participant. Whichever goofy handler recommended that interview should have been fired, if not shot.  Better yet, fired and then shot. And why she did not exercise a modicum of control over her own campaign and decline the interview God only knows. Apparently, Sarah was totally uninformed about that evil little raccoon, Couric, who graduated from the Dan Rather School of Ambush Journalism, and who delights in giving anyone to the right of Karl Marx and Obama fits.  The only thing worse than her decision to appear with Couric was the deer in the headlights look she wore during most of the interview and her seemingly total inability to recall even one newspaper that she may have read in the past. Could she not even name a newspaper? Not one?  While we were all frustrated by this performance, there was still hope.

Then came the resignation from her position as Governor of Alaska. To do what? Go on a book tour? Now there is a great addition to your presidential resume. No one likes a quitter and this was to say the least an odd way to prepare for a run in 2012. And please do not say that Ronald Regan ran for President after being Governor of California. Sarah has a lot of redeeming qualities but Ronald Regan she ain’t. He was not a quitter.

But the gaffes just never end. Lately, we heard that she joked about slipping into Canada for medical treatment.  Now, whether she went there as a young child accompanied by her family or not, really does not matter. There is no way to spin that fact favorably. For a person who condemns The Great One for his plan to socialize medicine to draw her gun and shoot herself in the foot by advertising the fact that she went to Canada for medical treatment, just defies belief.  That great sucking sound one hears this week is the sound of Sarah’s credibility going down the drain. And one can only imagine the glee with which this statement was greeted by The Great One and his minions in Congress and across the nation. One can only imagine the ads being created as we speak, or the billboards featuring Sarah crossing the border for medical treatment in our good neighbor to the north. Sarah has single-handedly given Obama greater press than he could ever have imagined, and has, in one fell swoop, lost the high ground on this argument. There is no way—regardless of her motives or the circumstances of her visits to Canada—that she will be painted as anything other than a hypocrite on the issue of socialized health care under Obama Universal Care for Health (O.U.C.H.). And, as always, it was largely Sarah herself who provided the grist for the left-wing press.

Recently, I had lunch with a good friend who is a liberal Democrat. Yes, I do have friends like that, whom I treasure. I forgive them for their views as they forgive me for mine.  Out of the blue he said:

“I hope you guys run Sarah in 2012.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because she is the only one Obama can beat.”

Of course, I laughed at the comment and spaced it off. But, lately, I am not laughing. My friend, I fear, was right.

If Sarah runs in 2012, we are doomed to defeat. She is likely to lose to Obama, and much of the reason will be her own doing. This will be only partially be the fault of her mean spirited detractors on the Left, who hate all things Sarah, or the tasteless jokes from low-lifes like David Letterman—the world’s biggest male chauvinist pig. I used to blame them all for Sarah’s problems. But, so often, maybe even much of the time, Sarah is her own worst enemy. She has pointed the petard at herself and away from her enemies. She will blow herself up with her own powder and her enemies need do nothing at all. She has become a caricature of herself, and, increasingly, no one is going to take her seriously. If she runs in 2012 I fear for the Republican Party, the conservative movement, and the country as a whole. Her negatives—already substantial—will increase. If she runs, Obama will be safely ensconced for a second term and the damage he will do will be irreversible.  It will be the end of America as we know it.

I wish Sarah well.  Like many, I wanted her to succeed and hoped against hope that she would show us something—some maturity, better judgment, leadership qualities. But now I think she should stick to her book tour, her lecture circuit, and her fund raising for charitable causes. She is a good person and has much to offer to our country and to the world. But not as President. She is a Dan Quayle lightweight and the Democrats’ dream opponent. God help us all if she runs in 2012.

The wonderful satire of Stoos Views will be on this page from this day forward. Enjoy the satire and his serious writings as well.

U.S. Postal Service To Serve as Model for ObamaCare…

By William Kevin Stoos  Wednesday, March 3, 2010

-Satire-

Back from a futile month-long search for Al Gore, seeking an explanation from the Almost President as to how the longest, coldest winter in recorded history squares his theories on Global Warming, Hugh settled into his office at the International Headquarters of the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate in sunny Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime is low, the people vote red, and the centre still holds.

Hugh, the most trusted name in news, Chief of the Government Oversight Bureau of Stoos Views, a man who walks with kings and princes (unlike Obama, bowing to none), and who has the trust of both sides of the aisles in Congress, noticed something disturbing in his mail box.

It was a PAST DUE notice from the local water department. It seems that the check he sent via first-class mail to the local water department—three miles from his office—took seven days to get there, resulting in a notice from the utilities department that could result in the shut off of water service to the Stoos Views Headquarters. More disturbing still, were the headlines in his local paper about proposed changes in the postal service. A man of action, with connections that would make the CIA blush, Hugh jumped into action. He booked a direct flight to Foggy Bottom to meet with the head Hancho at the Postal Service, Postmaster General John Potter.

Although Hugh’s flight was delayed due to another round of Global Warming Residue that battered the east coast, the Postmaster General was happy to clear his schedule and meet with the reporter. Few in D.C. dared to refuse an interview with Betcha—the political repercussions were simply too high.

The Postmaster General greeted Hugh with a hearty handshake and offered him a plush overstuffed leather chair with teak wood arms and gold-plated buttons. The General offered Hugh a brandy and cigar—which Hugh politely refused.  The Postmaster General’s majestic office, with teak paneling, expensive classical paintings, and a ten-foot high wine rack, befitting royalty, was impressive indeed. Yet, entirely appropriate for a bureaucrat upon whom Congress lavished over $850,000 in salary, bonuses, retirement benefits and other perks of the job. After all, he had guided his quasi-governmental agency to an impressive $4 billion average loss during the previous two fiscal years under his leadership—lower than most federal agencies.

“How may I help you?” Potter asked graciously as he took another hit from his expensive Cuban cigar.

“Well, I understand that you are considering some big changes,” Hugh said.

“Yes, we are,” the General said with a furrowed brow. “We are going to cut our service to five days, make some adjustments in pay and personnel and streamline the agency. Tough times you know.”

“Evidently, not for you…” Hugh replied, “look at this palace you work in.”

“Well,” the PMG replied, chuckling, “had I been the Chief Executive of Fedex, I would be making $8 or $9 million a year. Had I been the Chief Executive of UPS, I would be making $3 or $4 million a year.”

“Yeah, but there is a difference.”

“How so?”

“Fedex and UPS make money.”

“Well…”

“Had you been the head of one of those private companies you would have been fired. After all, your agency loses on average, $4 billion a year, so how can you justify your nearly one million dollars in compensation?”

“There are two ways of looking at that of course…” he replied.

“How so?”

“Well, if I had not been such a good administrator, the Postal Service would have lost $8 or $9 billion a year—real money—rather than a measly $4 billion a year…”

Trying hard to digest that logic, Hugh continued: “So you are losing money each year, cutting services and increasing the postal rates is that correct?”

“Well, yes, times are tough as I said.”

“How about the FOREVER stamp that we bought for a set price and can use forever, regardless of your cost of delivery or your losses? “

At this, the PMG laughed out loud. “Yeah, about that FOREVER deal. Well, to put it bluntly, nothing is FOREVER. I mean, that is like one of the world’s great lies, you know: ‘I will respect you in the morning; I am from the government and I am here to help you; your check’s in the mail.’ Yeah, FOREVER, that was a good one—glad I thought of that one.”

“You mean we cannot count in the FOREVER stamp either?”

“Yeah, you can, until we decide otherwise.”

“And your mail carriers—I suppose they are going to take a pay cut too?”

“Of course, there must be shared pain here if we are going to get through this crisis.”

“You mean those workers making between $20 and $26 an hour carrying the mail through all sorts of bad weather, fighting off dogs, walking through six feet of Global Warming, you’re going to make them take a cut in pay or benefits?”

“It is inevitable.”

“How about your pay?”

“Of course not, that is set by Congress…who am I to question the wisdom of Congress, who sets my compensation and perks?”

“So what does the future hold for the United States Postal Service?”

“Our future is rosy indeed.  In fact, because we are losing less money that some other federal agencies, the President has informed me that he plans to pattern ObamaCare or, as you put it in your columns—Obama Universal Care for Health (O.U.C.H.)—after my agency. They will be similar indeed.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, both USPS and ObamaCare will cost more each year, those who run them (Congress and the bureaucrats) will be paid more for their incompetent performance, and those who provide the services (postal workers and doctors) will be paid less.”

“So what is the good news?”

“The public will get worse service, but less frequently.”

President Obama To Order Pelvic Salute

By William Kevin Stoos Wednesday, October 29, 2008

“I am all about change,” Democratic hopeful Barack Hussein Obama told reporters recently, “and above all, I like to be hip.” Questioned about his well-known disrespect for the flag and repeated failure to place his hand over his heart—as suggested by federal statute (fn1)—Obama bristled at the suggestion that it was somehow unpatriotic to hold his crotch during the national anthem.

“Hey, I don’t need to place no hand over no heart,” he replied. “Frankly, I like to use a modified “Roseanne Barr” method of grabbing the crotch and singing really high during the national anthem…you know, like she did at that baseball game? Anyhow,” he continued, “Hillary Clinton and Bill Richardson put their hands over their hearts and look what happened to them…they lost, big time.” People like cool. They don’t even know what I stand for—Hell, neither do I,” he chuckled, “but they think I am cool and that is all that counts these days. Yeah, McCain served his country and was a hero and all that stuff,” he continued, “but he is not cool and that means he is a loser.”

Obama, indicated that, if elected, he would change the law to provide that either placement of the hand over the heart or over the crotch—which he prefers—would be acceptable protocol during the playing of the anthem. “Either I will do it by Executive Order,” he said, “or, since I will be appointing two or three Supreme Court Justices who will interpret the laws any damn way they see fit, voiding that outdated statute should be no problem.”  When asked whether the fact that 80% of all Americans from all walks of life either place their hand over their heart or their hat over their heart during the playing of the national anthem, Obama replied: “Hey, my buddy Billy Ayers stands on the flag, my minister Reverend Jeremiah “Amerikkka” Wright hates the country, my wife ain’t too proud of it either, so what am I supposed to do?  I can’t turn my back on my friends and be someone I am not. I’d look like a damn fool and Farrakhan would call me an Uncle Tom if I saluted the flag. So, I just use the old ‘down low’ salute when the anthem plays. I do not want to look too patriotic or I might lose the Hate America First vote and then where would I be? A loser, like Hillary?  No way, brother!”

When asked what other changes he might make if elected, Obama indicated that he would favor substituting the words “Under the United Nations” for the words “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance, and replacing the traditional handshake between Justices of the Supreme Court at the opening of each session, with “high fives” and head butting.

1 “36 USCS § 301
§ 301.  National anthem 
(a) Designation. The composition consisting of the words and music known as the Star-Spangled Banner is the national anthem.
 (b) Conduct during playing. During a rendition of the national anthem—
   (1) when the flag is displayed—
      (A) all present except those in uniform should stand at attention facing the flag with the right hand over the heart….” [Emphasis added for President Obama’s edification]

January 18, 2010

Trying to Explain Her Gaffes and Resurrect her Floundering Campaign…

Martha Coakley’s Frantic Call To Stoos Views’ Hugh Betcha

© 2010 William Kevin Stoos

In a last minute attempt to save her flagging campaign, convince voters that her service in the United States Senate would not be as inept as her campaign, and that she is indeed not a female version of Dan Quayle, Martha Coakley–Democratic opponent of Scott Brown in the upcoming Massachusetts Senatorial election–did what all politicians who are in deep trouble do: she called Stoos Views’ own Hugh Betcha. Hugh–Ace Reporter and Head of the Campaign Bureau of the Stoos Views media empire–a man who walks with kings and princes, received a frantic call on the eve of the election from Coakley, who was obviously distressed at her floundering campaign which seemed destined to go down to defeat to Brown–who, like Barack Obama, is young, articulate, hip, and actually in touch with his constituents.

While plowing through three feet of global warming residue in his driveway at Stoos Views Headquarters in Wynstone, South Dakota, where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the folks vote red, and the centre still holds, Hugh sensed the vibration of the cell phone in his pocket above the roar of his global warming residue blower. Like most politicians in Foggy Bottom, Martha had Hugh’s phone number at the number one setting on her speed dial. Hugh shut off the mower and flipped open his phone.

“You gotta help me!” urged the frantic voice of Martha Coakley, who was calling from her home in Massachusetts.

“What’s up?” asked the most trusted name in the news.

“The press is trying to paint me as a bimbo who is not in touch with her home state. You gotta stop them.”

“Well,” Hugh replied, “you might want to brush up on the spelling of your own state before you decide to run for the United States Senate. The voters might question your competence.  After all, your campaign ad misspelled the name of your st–“

“–no big deal,” she replied. “Of course I know that there are not two “e”s in ‘Massachusetts.’ That was just a dumb staffer and I fired him.”

“Where are you calling from?” Hugh inquired.

“The capital–Medford,” she replied.

“Uh–you mean Boston?”

“Oh yeah, I forgot. I live in Medford; the capital is Boston, I believe.”

“Yeah,” replied Hugh.

“Anyway, I called in the hopes that you could set the record straight and tell the folks I am not a female Dan Quayle and am qualified to represent the good folks of Massachusetts in the upcoming race for the House.”

“You mean the Senate?” inquired Hugh.

“Of course, I misspoke,” she replied nervously.

“About your knowledge of international politics and current events…” Hugh asked, “have you brushed up on that a little since last week?”

“Why of course. I have been reading a lot of newspapers lately and following events overseas. I read your column and the Canada Free Press of course.”

“Well, the Afghanistan thing–you know that made people a little queasy.”

“Yeah I simply misspoke….of course there are terrorists in Afghanistan–I knew this very well. We have been fighting Hamas there for over eight years now. Or is it Hezbollah? One of those anyway. Thank God Israel is there helping us fight those guys.”

“Uh–“

“And the bit about Carl Shelling–you know that sports guy from my home state?”

“You mean Curt Schilling?”

“Whatever….Shelling, Schilling–Curt, Carl–who cares?”

“Well, he is pretty popular with the folks in your home state, or did you know that?”

“Yeah, but what do those dumb football players know about politics?”

“Uh, he didn’t play football, he played—“

“–and the bit about shaking hands with the voters. Of course I would be happy to shake hands with the soccer fans outside of Fenceroy Park anytime. My schedule just did not permit it.”

“Actually it is not Fenceroy P–“

“Yes, please tell the common people–the ones who watch soccer games at Fenceroy Park, who like to watch the Boston Bears play hockey, and the NASCAR fans who like to watch those fancy European racing cars, that I am one of them and have their interests at heart. I stand with Harry Reid and the liberals in the Senate and know what is best for the people of Massachusetts. What they want is more government, less control of their lives, more taxes, and liberal values. And, I agree with Harry Reid, leader of the Senate, when he said that Barney Obama ‘is the best light skinned, articulate, Negro president we have ever had.’”

“Uh, actually it is Barack Obama..Barack.”

“Barney, Barack, whatever…”

January 4, 2010

“No, Really, It’s Global Warming…” Another Stoos Views Exclusive Interview With Al Gore

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos

Hugh Betcha, Head of the Climate Change Bureau of the Stoos Views world wide media conglomerate, listened intently to the weather report this morning as he has for the past week. Today, January 4, 2010–five years away from the melting of the polar ice caps predicted by global warming expert, geothermal scientist, inventor of the internet and Almost President, Al Gore–it appeared that Gore’s prediction had finally come true.

Checking his thermometer outside the Stoos Views World Headquarters in Wynstone, South Dakota–where the air is clean, crime is low, people vote red, and the centre still holds–Hugh noticed the ambient temperature was a balmy 24 below Fahrenheit–clear evidence that Global Warming had invaded the Midwest. To his dismay, he learned that Okoboji, Iowa–where Hugh spends part of his summers–registered a cool 33 below Fahrenheit.  As he dressed to remove the 3-4 feet of global warning residue from his driveway–remnants of the past two weeks of global warming residue visited upon his residence, he heard further disturbing news: it appeared that this day–January 4, 2010–two-thirds of the country was beset by lower than usual temperatures. It seems that the Deep South was registering temperatures in the teens and twenties–unheard of for this time of year. Dire predictions of a blizzard in Mississippi, Georgia and even Florida abounded. International news reports this date coming over the wire at Stoos Views headquarters, advised that in Bejing, China, schools were closed and residents of that city were issued snow shovels in order to clear the streets. South Korea reported record frigid temperatures, as well as other countries in Asia and Europe. Indeed, evidence of Global Warming abounded, and the situation was disturbing.

While some might see record lows, record snowfalls and ice storms as inconsistent with Mr. Gore’s predictions that the temperature of the globe was warming, Hugh did not. He knew better. From his desk in South Dakota, he placed a quick call to his friend and confidante, Al Gore. Gore, author of Inconvenient Humans, © 2009 Al Gore; No Really, It Is Global Warming, © 2009 Al Gore, A World Without Polar Bears, © 2009,  Bye Bye North Pole, © 2009 Al Gore, and his soon to be released book, Earth: A Star is Born, © Al Gore, 2010–which details how the center of the earth is actually hotter than the sun and will in time melt the outer core of the planet, thus mooting any concerns about the demise of the planet from global warming. In an effort to explain to the world how the current frigid temps and abundant snowfall was actually global warming, Gore had contacted Hugh–the most trusted name in the news–requesting an audience. Hugh obligingly returned the call to Gore–as always.

“In a word, what is causing the record lows, unceasing snowfall, blizzards where they should not be and this brutal neo-ice age we are experiencing around the planet the last couple of years?” Hugh inquired.

“Glad you asked,” responded the Almost President, “there is a lot of misinformation. As shown by my comments during the Copenhagen Conference where I announced the melting of the ice caps in the next five years, and my statement not long ago that the center of the earth is actually hotter than the face of the sun (which most scientists did not even know), I am privy to many scientific facts that most uneducated people do not know. This is why I am able to fly all over the world in my private jet, live in a large mansion, own polluting zinc mines and still get paid enormous sums to lecture the world on what a mess mankind has made out of the environment.”

“Okay, but why this new ice age?”

“Very simple,” Gore replied confidently. “Polar Displacement.”

“Polar what?”

“Polar Displacement….You see, the polar ice cap is melting so fast, that if you flew over it right now, you could actually see steam rising. This hot, steamy air is rising upward and sideways, pushing the frigid air that used to surround the poles, south toward the equator. This arctic air is displaced, and must go somewhere. Thus, the term ‘polar displacement’. Simply put, what you are experiencing in South Dakota, Mississippi, Florida, China and elsewhere, is simply the melting of the polar bear and musk oxen habitat, and the displacement of frigid air toward the south. I expect this to last indefinitely. In fact, I do not expect temperatures in the United States to warm up until the polar ice caps melt.”

“What happens then?”

“The Atlantic Ocean will cover Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Florida and Alabama, in five years–at which time my mansion in Belle Meade will be ocean front property.”

December 30, 2009

Was the Fruit of the Loon Bomber Trained by Gitmo Honor Graduate?

Stoos Views Wants to Know

© 2009 William Kevin Stoos

The Fruit of the Loon Bomber’s failed attempt to explode an airliner with nearly 300  innocent souls aboard–including men, women, babies, Christians, Muslims, and Jews alike–causes us to revisit the wisdom of Obama’s “Adopt a Jihadist” Program. Now there is good cause to question whether the President’s burning desire to close Gitmo, release dangerous terrorists to other countries, and, in some cases, bring them here to stand trial, played a role in the Fruit of the Loon Bomber’s plot.

It seems that Ulmar Farouk Abdulmutallab, the 23 year old Nigerian who burned his genitals for Allah, disappeared for several months in Yemen–which has been the base for several terror bombings in the past decade. Curiously, the Yemeni branch of al-Qaeda, the group which prides itself on killing innocent, defenseless people–whether they be Muslim or non-Muslim–was headed by Said Ali al-Shihiri, an Honor Graduate of Obama’s own Adopt a Jihadist Program.

Yes, al-Shihiri, who was released from Gitmo, and  “rehabilitated” in Saudi Arabia (our “ally” in the War on Terror), returned to Yemen to head al-Qaeda in that country. Owing to the naiveté of the Obama Administration, [which believes that if we bow to kings, apologize to the world, afford terrorists the rights of U.S. citizens, release dangerous men, prosecute our own military and intelligence officers, and close Gitmo, the world will love us], al-Qaeda had a new chief in Yemen–compliments of the Obama Administration. One day al-Shihiri was attacking and killing American sons and daughters from bases in Pakistan; the next he was given a six-year vacation in Guantanamo, and now–thanks to the Adopt a Jihadist Program–he has his own terror organization in Yemen. (That is, if he has not been recently killed by airstrikes).

Is it a stretch to believe that the Fruit of the Loon Bomber was schooled by, and received orders from the head of al-Qaeda in Yemen? Nothing in Yemen happened without the blessing and the guidance of al-Shihiri–himself a master at killing, bombing, and destroying in the name of Allah. And the Fruit of the Loon Bomber spent several months there honing his skills–such as they were. Thanks to the President’s misguided zeal to close Guantanamo and release dangerous men like al-Shihiri into the world so they can train others to murder innocent people who want simply to live in peace, we have the Fruit of the Loon Bomber–and, inevitably, others like him. Only the incompetence of the bomber stood between life and death for the innocent people aboard Flight 253 on Christmas Day. Thank God for his incompetence. The next terrorist trained by an Obama Guantanamo graduate, may not be.

Unanswered, though, this question: If you plan to meet 72 virgins in Paradise, why do you blow off your private parts?

December 17, 2009

Human Exhalation Kills Polar Bears…..

E.P.A. to ban breathing—A Stoos views exclusive

By William Kevin Stoos Wednesday, December 16, 2009

This week, while reading Al Gore’s new book, Inconvenient Humans, (Copyright © 2009, Al Gore), Stoos Views’ own Hugh Betcha, Chief of the Climate Change Bureau of the Stoos Views’ international media empire, was interrupted by a rather unexpected call from Lisa Jackson, Administrator of the EPA.

But this was nothing new for Betcha, who walks with kings and princes and is frequently summoned to Washington, D.C. whenever officials of the Obama Administration need to disseminate breaking news of international importance.

“Can you get here tomorrow?” Jackson inquired. Hugh detected a sense of urgency in the caller’s voice. But, as the world’s most trusted name in news, Hugh was used to frantic calls from heads of state, bureaucrats, and, at times, even the President himself–who frequently sought his counsel.

“Well, perhaps, but I need to check the commercial flights out of Sioux Falls and….”

“Don’t worry about that,” Jackson interrupted, “Al is sending his private jet for you.”

“Geeze, I am honored, but what about the carbon footprint, I would feel a little guilty about…”

“Never mind all that,” she said impatiently, “besides, Al is sending over one of his cleaner jets–The Green Machine. It emits a few tons less carbon that his other planes, so you need not feel badly about all that.”

After a long flight from Stoos Views headquarters in Wynstone, South Dakota, where the air is clean, crime is low, the folks vote red, and the centre still holds, Hugh arrived in the nation’s capitol to be whisked away in a private EPA limousine and escorted to the White House for a meeting with the EPA head.

As he was ushered into a conference room, Hugh was met with a strange sight indeed. Arising from an overstuffed chair and sounding a bit like Darth Vader, Ms. Jackson greeted Hugh wearing a rather odd looking appliance that closely resembled a gas mask.

“Hello,” she greeted him with hand outstretched, “thank you so much for coming. Please sit down.”

“What’s with the get up?” Hugh inquired.

“This is why I summoned you here,” she replied. “it is about our newest program to save the environment.”

“From what? Martians?” Hugh joked.

“Nope,’ she replied as she removed her mask, “from humans, actually.”

“Say what?”

“You may recall last week that we in The Government have determined that carbon dioxide is hazardous to the environment and therefore we have decided to take the initiative to save the planet by restricting the emission of carbon dioxide.”

“Yes, I read that recently, but the mask?”

“I am getting to that. You may recall that my agency has previously decided to regulate cattle exhaust. I believe you did a piece on that subject, entitled “EPA To Tax Cattle Exhaust” (Canada Free Press) earlier. Great piece by the way.”

“Yes, I recall that.”

“Well, further studies have shown that, next to cattle flatus and auto exhaust, human beings pose the greatest threat to the environment. That gives me a wonderful opportunity to at once save the planet and intrude into the private affairs of all our citizens by regulating the most basic of human functions.”

“Which is?”

“Why, breathing of course. Human exhalation, according to Mr. Gore, is the third greatest cause of polar bear deaths. Like the fact that the core of the earth is millions of degrees hotter than the sun, and all the ice in the world is going to melt within the next five years, it is a proven fact that your breathing and that of your countrymen is responsible for the projected deaths of 523 polar bears in the next decade.”

“But….”

“Very simple. The more we all breathe, the hotter the atmosphere, the hotter the atmosphere, the more the polar ice caps melt. The more the ice caps melt, the more polar bears are set adrift in the ocean only to be separated by their cubs and eventually eaten by killer sharks when their ice floes melt. This is so tragic–and all because we humans choose to breathe. Therefore, my agency–in conjunction with Mr. Gore–has developed a solution to the projected problem.”

“The mask?”

“Not a mask. It is a Government Atmospheric Safety Preserver (G.A.S.P.) device.  We plan to outlaw breathing in the conventional sense, and require, under penalty of law, that all citizens over 18 purchase and wear the mask—which filters the toxic, planet-killing CO2 emissions from human breath and convert it to O2. This will reduce the ambient temperature of the world, save the polar bears, and–like the closing of Gitmo—cause all other nations of the world to love us.”

“And if we choose not to wear the device?”

“Fine and imprisonment–just like the Obama Universal Care for Health (O.U.C.H.) plan. If you don’t choose to go along, we will fine you or impose a prison sentence. After all, The Government knows best.”

“What about the intrusion upon our personal liberties?”

“Not at all, you have the freedom to choose to wear the mask or not wear the mask.”

“But you go to prison and are fined if you do not?”

“Now you get it. You still have choices. Buy and wear the mask or choose not to and go to jail.”

“Where does the public buy these?”

“We have negotiated a deal with one Government approved vendor…Gore Enterprises.”

“What a scam.”

“Not at all. Gore sells these to the Government at a reduced rate, the E.P.A. gives him carbon credits and tax breaks so he can live in his 40,000 square foot house, fly his private jets around the country, and lecture the public on the evils of pollution. It is a win-win for everyone!”

“Are the Chinese going to wear these? After all they are building coal fired power plants at the rate of one a week, are the world’s biggest polluters, and have billions of polar bear killing mouth breathers. What about them?”

“Nope, we cannot force them to, but by leading by example, we are certain the rest of the world will come around to our way of thinking. And, to prove the efficacy of the G.A.S.P. devices, we are going to test them on a control group which represents the largest concentration of hot air and noxious gas emitters in the country.”

“Which is?”

“The United States Congress.”

December 9, 2009

Political Correctness at X-Mas Time: Merry X-Mas from Your X-Customer! (c) 2009 Stoos Views

December 9th, 2009 by williamkevinstoos

December 2, 2009

Stoos Views’ Exclusive Interview With Chris “The Grinch” Gregoire

Governor of Washington State Bans All Religious Expression—Everyone to Work Christmas Day

By William Kevin Stoos Wednesday, December 2, 2009

-Satire

In a bow to political correctness, the Governor of Washington State, has banned Christmas and all other forms of religious expression, according to Stoos Views’ man on the scene—Hugh Betcha.  Hugh, Chief of the Religious Affairs Bureau of the Stoos Views media empire, was summoned by Governor Christine “The Grinch” Gregoire so she could explain her recent ban on religion in the State of Washington.

“Political Correctness” is where it’s at nowadays,” the Governor began as she showed Hugh to his seat. “No more of this Jesus and God stuff,” she said sternly, as she pointed to the crucifix in her wastebasket. “As Governor of this state, I must defer to the Founding Persons, who said that there must be a separation of Church and State, and that government may not tolerate religion,” she continued.

“Excuse me, Ma’am,” the reporter interrupted, “but I did not see anywhere in the Constitution that the Founders intended to ban religion per se.”

”Well, that may be,” the Governor continued, “but, as Governor, I cannot risk the prospect that the one thousandth of one percent of the people of this great state who either do not believe in a Supreme Being,  or worship Satan, or paint themselves blue and dance naked around evergreen trees, might in theory be offended if someone displays any religious symbol anywhere in the State, so I have decided to ban all religious expression in my state.”

“Isn’t that a little extreme?” Hugh asked.

“Some might say so, but, to paraphrase Barry Goldwater, ‘extremism in the persecution of religion is no vice, and toleration of religious belief by government is no virtue…’”

“Well, he actually did not say…”

“…something like that anyway. But the point is, in this age of pluralism, multiculturalism, and political correctness, I simply cannot afford to offend anyone—especially being a Democrat in a liberal state, so I have decided to take the initiative and ban all expressions of faith.  If the President can order the covering of religious symbols when he speaks in a church, then I surely can order the elimination of all forms of religious expression in my state.”

“How far do you intend to go with this?”

“Well, for one thing,  all state employees are henceforth prohibited from using the “C” word while on duty.”

“The “C” word?”

“Christ.”

“What else?”

“J, M, and J.”

“Meaning?”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Someone might be offended by this.”

“Merry Christmas?”

“Definitely out!  If they must greet each other during this season (which we discourage), all citizens of this state are to henceforth use the greeting prescribed by state law.”

“Which is?”

“Happy Hanukwanzamuharramasolstice!  If you must use a seasonal greeting, then at least you must acknowledge Jews, Africans, Muslims, C-People and Druids equally.”

“C-People?”

“C-people, you know. The ones who believe in J.”

“How about the upcoming Christmas Holiday?”

“Well, for one, please don’t use the term ‘Holiday.’  I banned that last week.”

“Why?”

“Too much like Holy day.”

“I see. How about Easter?”

“Gone.”

“Thanksgiving?”

“Thanking G? No way.”

“And what will you do December 25^th?”

“Why, work of course. Like all employees of the state. By executive order, all state employees will work that day. Gotta start sometime. How can we ban religion in this state and yet take December 25^th off? In order to be consistent, we must work on that day like any other.”

“What’s that?” High inquired—pointing to a six foot two by four sitting in a pot full of sand, decorated with a red ribbon.

“It’s a Seasonal Tree,” the Governor replied.

“It’s a two by four.”

“It’s a Seasonal Tree—I am setting an example for the citizens of this state.”

“It’s a freakin’ two by four in a pot of sand,” Hugh insisted.

“You see a two by four, I see a Seasonal Tree,” the Governor replied, indignantly. “The people of Washington State are encouraged to erect one during the month of December, in place of the C-Mas Tree. I plan to erect a 20 foot high Seasonal Tree in front of the capitol building, where the manger scene used to be.”

“Okay,” Hugh said as he pulled a one-dollar bill out of his pocket and flashed it in front of the Governor, “how far do you intend to go with this War on Religion? In God We Trust.”

“Yeah, we are working on that one,” she said as she shook her head in disapproval. “I have already contacted the President about this. The reference to “G” is unfortunate. The thought that some atheist or devil worshipper must carry around currency glorifying a supreme being just galls me.”

“Your solution?”

“Easy. Just change one word on the bill.”

“In Government We Trust?”

“Precisely.”

“Christine…” Hugh said, as he got up to leave.

“What?”

“No, I meant your name. Christine. Ironic isn’t it?”

“Why?”

“Derived from Latin. Means ‘Follower of Christ’.”

With that, Hugh bid the Governor a “Happy H-Day” and “G-Bless you,” and excused himself.

William Kevin Stoos Most recent columns

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos
The author of Stoos Views is a freelance writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in Carmelite Digest,  Family Digest, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Encyclopedia Britannica Online. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status in the category of international politics and foreign affairs. His book, The Woodcarver (And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was just released in July of 2009. Royalties from that book go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.

E.P.A. AND GORE SEEK TO BLOCK PASSAGE OF SENATE HEALTH CARE BILL!!!

(Harry Reid’s Bill Declared an Environmental Hazard)

© 2009 William Kevin Stoos

In a surprising move aimed at blocking the passage of the Mother of All Bills—a fifteen pound, 2,000  page, tree-killing, polar bear orphaning, ice melting, greenhouse gas producing monstrosity called the Senate Health Care Bill (aka “Obama Universal Coverage for Health, or, O.U.C.H)—EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson and Al (The Earth’s Core is Hotter than the Sun) Gore joined as Plaintiffs in a last minute attempt to block action on the bill this weekend. And, in order to publicize their attempt to block the legislation, they enlisted the help of the most trusted name in journalism and the man who has dined with Princes, Kings and Presidents, world traveler, and Head of the Environmental News Desk of Stoos Views’ media conglomerate, Hugh Betcha.

In a hastily convened news conference at 2:30 a.m. on November 21, 2009—with only the Stoos Views reporter in attendance—the two announced that they were filing for an injunction in the United States District Court in Washington, DC seeking to not only prevent the United States Senate, led by Harry (The Jokester) Reid, from taking any further action to pass Obama Care but, specifically, to enjoin the Senate and the House, from printing any further copies of the gargantuan bill.

“Our reasons are simple,” declared Lisa Jackson, Head of the EPA, who as recently as April of 2009 announced that the EPA concluded carbon dioxide emissions ‘posed a grave threat to public health and welfare.’ “Between the House version of the bill and the Senate version of the bill, and the TARP legislation earlier this year, my agency has concluded—based on a scientific study conducted during the past three months–that nearly 16 million trees have been sacrificed in order to print the various drafts, re-writes and addenda necessary to pass these bills. Between the working copies, the semi-final copies, the final copies that each legislator, each member of their bloated staffs, and each member of the public wants, our calculations are that, by the end of Obama’s first (and last) term in 2012, this Congress will have—given its present pace, legislating and spending money like drunken sailors—killed enough trees to cover a land mass the size of Oregon.”

“If I may…” interrupted Mr. Gore, “I am, as you know, Al Gore—almost President of the United States, heh-heh, winner of the Nobel Prize and Chief Environmentalist of the World. My studies have also shown, as Ms. Jackson indicated, that Congress ranks second only to the pine beetle in its destruction of the forestlands in the western United States. Of course, it would be impractical to eliminate Congress; however, if we can stop them from wasting so much paper, and thereby save our forests, we can save the planet.”

“How serious a situation is this really,” inquired the ace reporter.

“Well,” responded Gore, with furrowed brow, “when Congress passes so much legislation, it causes the destruction of millions of acres of trees; the trees must be cut down by the tens of millions not only to create the paper to print the monstrous bills which no one reads, but each bill necessitates the creation of billions of paper dollars necessary to fund the rampant spending that Congress engages in. My studies show that when Congress kills enough trees to deforest Oregon, this robs the planet of these trees, which formerly filtered  massive quantities of carbon dioxide from the air. This in turn results in far greater quantities of CO2 in the atmosphere, which in turn heats up the air surrounding the earth. When the air heats up, it increases global warming around our planet, the oceans rise, the ice caps melt, and polar bears are set adrift  in the ocean, separated from their cubs, until they eventually drown and the cubs die, crying for their mothers, because they cannot fend for themselves. Additionally, because the ozone layer of the earth is destroyed in the process, human beings are more susceptible to skin cancer. In fact, my projections are that 5% more cases of skin cancer will occur over the next three years because of this.”

“So, what is the bottom line here, Mr. Gore?” asked the reporter.

“To put it bluntly,” Gore replied, “at the present rate of legislative activity, through the end of Obama’s first and only term—2012—Congress will have consumed one third of our forests, killed 2,078 polar bears, caused 5 million additional skin cancer deaths, heated the atmosphere by an average of 5 degrees Fahrenheit and flooded Los Angeles, New York City and New Orleans. This must end. Therefore, we are asking the Court to enjoin the passage of any further health care legislation and thereby spare this country and the planet from an environmental disaster.”

“Do you have anything to add, Ma’am?” Hugh inquired of Ms. Jackson.

“Yes. Pursuant to my authority as Head of the Environmental Protection Agency, I have added one more species to the Endangered Species List.”

“Which is?”

“Americanus Taxusmaximus. The American taxpayer.”

Are Liberals Afraid of Girls?

Obama Momma Nora O’Donnell Attacks Teenage Palin Supporter

By William Kevin Stoos Friday, November 20, 2009

If anyone ever needed proof of how much the Left fears Sarah Palin, or how desperately MSNBC seeks to generate some news, they need only watch the pathetic attack dog interview conducted by self styled Obama Chick Nora O’Donnell of MSNBC this week. O’Donnell, stalking a line of Palin supporters waiting to get their books signed, like a shark circling its prey, pounced upon a teenage Palin supporter who wore a funny tee shirt lampooning the TARP bailout. It seems that this female Keith Doberman Wannabe just could not wait to engage this unsuspecting young girl in a debate as to whether Sarah was, or was not, in favor of the government bailout.

Of course, this ambush interview had nothing to do with reportage and nothing to do with the merits of Palin’s position on this issue at all. Nope, it was simply one more hit piece by one more MSNBC hit person designed to embarrass this young girl, impugn Sarah and her supporters, and prove once again, how stupid everyone to the right of Keith Doberman, Chris (Tingle Down My Leg When Obama Speaks) Mathews and Nora (Obama Chick) O’Donnell really is.

But, what can we expect from a “news” organization whose sole function in life was to attack the Evil One—George Bush—every evening during the Presidential campaign, ensure that their man Barack was elected, and thereafter, lead the cheers for the Obama Administration. MSNBC (Most Sycophants Nuzzling Barack Constantly) has, like every one of the national news organizations (ABC—All Barack Channel); CBS (Covering Barack Seriously), long since lost any semblance of credibility and is nothing more than a shill for Barack Obama.

Yet, what is it with this constant attack on Sarah Palin? Why are the Left and its Obama- fawning media outlets so desperate to attack Sarah Palin that they stoop to attack little girls in bookstores? It was not enough to trash Sarah and her family during the campaign, in the most vicious conspiracy to impugn a public figure ever undertaken by the mass media; it was not enough for David (Male Chauvinist Pig of the Year) Letterman to make jokes about Sarah’s daughter being raped at a baseball game. Now they resort to stalking lines of Palin fans and embarrassing themselves by asking stupid questions and trying to outsmart teenagers.

The answer is clear: while the Left pretends to be in favor of strong willed, independent, successful women, it only favors them if they are doctrinaire liberals. If women, like Sarah Palin, dare to espouse conservative values, are in favor of traditional marriage, do not believe in killing babies, and dare to think that people can succeed on their own without reliance on Uncle Sugar, then these women—like Sarah—become the enemy. I do not even think the Left realizes its own hypocrisy.

While liberal Democrats and their captive media pretend to champion women’s rights and equality of the sexes, and pretend to be so tolerant of all races, religions, and sexual orientations, they trash a good person like Sarah Palin and now attack little girls who stand in line to get a book signed by her. Of course, this is nothing new. After Obama dissed Hillary—who had far more votes during the Democratic primaries than the middle-aged white man who was picked as the Vice Presidential candidate—Obama sent his female minions who, unfazed by his shunning of Hillary, were nevertheless anxious to do his bidding. They spread across the land to criticize and slander Palin, trash her family, and convince the public that Democrats do not really hate strong willed successful women; rather, they just hate strong-willed successful women who are not liberals.

The only thing stranger than the dissing of Hillary was that Hillary—once dissed—was nevertheless anxious to do Obama’s bidding. She fanned out across the country along with a group of Obama Stepford Sisters, including Janet Napolitano, Kathleen Sebelius and others for the sole purpose of trying to stem the tide of Sarah Mania, which was then sweeping across the land. The only thing more curious than a party that prefers to field an all-male team, is that subservient women of that same party were most willing to trash another woman just because Obama commanded them. Between Hillary, her Stepford Sisters, and the lap dog press, which gets a collective Chris Mathews tingle down their leg whenever they hear Obama speak, the Left pulled out all stops to demean, undermine, and defeat the new girl on the block in 2008. And, as the recent O’Donnell interview with the little girl illustrated, the Left is at it again. It seems that Sarah is just too dangerous and they must continue to attack her lest, some day, God forbid, she may run against The Great Obama.

Sarah Palin’s only fault is that she is clean cut, intelligent, impressive, kind-hearted, endearing, compassionate, successful, religious, family oriented and (God forbid), unabashedly in love with her husband and children. And, she is one tough lady to boot. They just cannot stand this. It strikes fear into them. When Gloria Steinem—who once championed the ideal of the successful, intelligent, independent woman who could do whatever she desired to do—came out during the last election to trash a woman who typifies everything Steinem used to laud, then you know the Left was desperate. It still is. The Left is afraid—pure and simple. Nothing else explains their irrational behavior, their obsession with all things Sarah, and their continued campaign of slander, libel, and recent attacks on her supporters. The Left is, indeed, afraid of girls. They fear that, next time, this girl just might kick their butts.

William Kevin Stoos Most recent columns

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos
The author of Stoos Views is a freelance writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in Carmelite Digest,  Family Digest, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Encyclopedia Britannica Online. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status in the category of international politics and foreign affairs. His book, The Woodcarver (And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was just released in July of 2009. Royalties from that book go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.

“We Gotta Get Out of This Place”

The Great Undecider Takes Another Road Trip

By William Kevin Stoos Tuesday, November 17, 2009

“ROAD TRIP!” shouted the excited voice of Barack Obama as he yelled into the telephone. Veteran reporter and Chief of the International Bureau of Stoos Views’ media conglomerate Hugh Betcha, had to hold the ear piece of the phone away from his ear as he heard the news. “What?” the reporter asked.

“Road trip! We are heading out this week to the Far East. Want to hang out?” the President asked his friend and confidante.

This was not the first time Hugh had been asked to accompany Obama on a boondoggle. Hugh, the most trusted name in the media, who moves with equal ease about both sides of the aisle in Congress and has access to political figures that would make Chris (“Tingle Down My Leg When Obama Speaks”) Mathews blush with envy, was quick to accept.

“Certainly, Mr. President, I would be delighted. Where to?”

“The freakin’ Orient—China, Japan, anywhere…” The President replied.

“How long?” Hugh inquired.

“Eight days, longer if I can find a reason.”

“But don’t you have more important things to do?” the reporter asked.

“Yeah, but hey, that stuff can wait…gotta get out of here, you know,” the President responded, “been at least a week or two since we traveled anywhere.”

“What do you expect to accomplish from this trip exactly?”

the reporter inquired.  “Will this be another World Groveling Tour or what?”

“Naw, don’t think so; I have apologized enough for awhile. Although I might do a little bowing to those emperors and prime ministers and so forth. They like that stuff and it makes me look humble. That is, if my back can take it. After bowing so low to His Royal Majesty and God on Earth, the Sultan of Saudi Arabia—whoever that dude was—I threw my back out. I am bringing along the Presidential Chiropractor this trip…just in case I feel the need to grovel and bow again.”

“What’s that music you are playing?” asked the reporter, referring to the raucous music playing in the background.

“It’s our Road Trip CD. Michele and I play it every time we take a road trip. You know, like “On the Road Again,” “We Gotta Get Out of This Place,” “Come Go With Me,” “Silver Wings,” “Driving My Life Away,” all the good ones. Sort of gets you in the mood to hit the road again, you know.”

“Yeah, but is this one really necessary? I mean, after all, the Japanese are no longer going to fuel our ships in their ports—after they attacked us and we spent hundreds of millions rebuilding their country. The Chinese people think we are their greatest enemy and they cannot even use the internet or worship God without fear of being jailed; they are joined at the pocketbook with our worst enemies like Iran and Venezuela and have no intention of leaning on Iran to stop their nuclear program and…”

“…I know all that,” the President said, impatiently, “we don’t hope to accomplish a lot on this trip, however it does accomplish one important goal,” he noted.

“Meaning?”

“It gets my a** out of the country and away from all this hard crap I gotta decide.”

“Well, what did you expect when you ran for President?” the reporter pressed.

“Man, campaigning for the office was way more fun than occupying it. I mean, you campaign, you get to take shots at The Evil One—George Bush—you just look cool, talk cool, be cool, which I am of course, the ladies swoon, people think it is hip to vote for a guy like me, you know, you get to travel around, make promises you can’t keep, and you get your face on the news and in the magazines and everyone loves you. You get elected and they hold big parties and all that stuff….”

“…your point?” Hugh asked.

“…yeah, but then you get here and well, this crap is hard. I mean you gotta make life and death decisions, convince people you really know something about the economy when you don’t, and, after nine or ten months, then you don’t have the Bush Did It excuse any more. Then, man, it is all on me. The Left doesn’t like me any more because I did not keep all my promises to them; the Right never did like me, the economy is in the crapper, jobless rate is 3 points higher than I predicted, we are fighting a War of Necessity in Afghanistan, as I called it during the election, and after awhile this is just no fun.”

“So?”

“So, it is time to hit the road man! If you spend half your time in office out of the office, then you have half the worry! Traveling around and being important is fun, the taxpayers foot the bill, and I get to chill and eat some great food. We will get the visit the Great Wall, hang out with some Chinese guys and shoot some hoops. I bet I can stuff any one of them.”

“How about Afghanistan, Mr. President what is your dec—”

“Sorry, gotta go turn down the sound a little, can’t hear you…” the President said as he excused himself to turn down the volume on his CD player.

“I was saying, you have been accused of putting off a decision on the number of troo—-”

“Just a minute, gotta let the dog out, be right back,” the President excused himself once again.

“As I was about to say, the press and the American public are getting impatient about the delay in deciding whether to send more——”

“Sorry, the battery is going out on the cell, can I call you back later on this? Gotta run.” Whereupon the President abruptly hung up the phone.

Further attempts to contact the President were unsuccessful. And, due to logistical problems, the ace reporter was, according to the Secret Service, unable to accompany the President.

William Kevin Stoos Most recent columns

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos
The author of Stoos Views is a freelance writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in Carmelite Digest,  Family Digest, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Encyclopedia Britannica Online. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status in the category of international politics and foreign affairs. His book, The Woodcarver (And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was just released in July of 2009. Royalties from that book go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.

Misses His Own Son’s Wedding to Vote Against “Freedom Killing” Socialized Medicine…

Congressman Steve King of Iowa—Profile in Integrity

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

By William Kevin Stoos

(A Stoos Views Exclusive)

What kind of a man would skip his own son’s wedding to cast a vote in the United States Congress?  The answer is, a man who cares passionately about the future of the United States, its slippery slide down the path of socialism, and the loss of the precious freedoms that he was blessed with before he became a father and a grandfather. The kind of man who cares deeply about the country that allowed a guy like him to build a successful small business, support his family, and provide jobs for others. The kind of man who, when government would not listen to him, ran for office so people like him—normal, hard working, patriotic citizens who pay their taxes, do not expect a handout from Uncle Sugar, and ask little from government other than to be left alone—would have a voice in government. He is a fighter for the common folks who live decent lives according to the Jeffersonian agrarian values they learned by living in the Midwest—where the center still holds.

But if you knew Steve King, United States Congressman from the 5th District of Iowa, or the reason he made the painful decision to miss his own son’s wedding earlier this month, then you would not be surprised at all. And to their own credit, his son, Mick, and Stephanie, his new bride, as well as the whole King family, understood perfectly well—above all, King is a man who cares as passionately for the future of his country as he does for his own family. And he understands better than most of the current occupants of the United States Congress, that family and country are inseparable—for as the fortunes of the country go, so go the fortunes of the King family and every other American family.

Steve King missed his son’s wedding in order to attend the debate and vote on the House version of the National Health Care bill (a/k/a, Obama’s Universal Care for Health—O.U.C.H.) which recently passed by a razor thin margin of 220-215. It was the King family’s misfortune that the vote was scheduled by Nancy Pelosi on the date of his son’s wedding; however, the choice for King was clear: he could miss the vote, which was in fact so close that his, or any other, vote may well have been the deciding vote, and enjoy the company of his family; or stand up for freedom and against the encroachment of Big Government into every aspect of our lives and miss being with his loved ones. Had just two Democrats and one Republican voted against the O.U.C.H. bill, the result would have been just exactly the opposite, and the country would have been spared from the impending government takeover of one sixth of the economy—just as it has intruded into the auto industry, the financial industry, and, soon, the airwaves as well.

When I asked Congressman King candidly to explain his reasons for missing his boy’s wedding, his response was eloquent and moving:

“I’ve prayed with our troops and their families as they said good-by to those they loved the most and who gave their love “all-in” for God and liberty.  I’ve looked our veterans and families in the eye and thanked them for their sacrifice and embraced those whom I could comfort.  I’ve challenged every American to sacrifice to defend our Constitution and freedom whether in foreign lands or at home.

I’ve watched young men and women graduate whose fathers were deployed.  I’ve watched, at the airport gate, when the first soldier off a plane was handed his four month old daughter; pink ribbon in her hair.  I’ve stood and applauded as a rolling standing ovation followed the troops and the new dad who had missed the birth of his daughter.  I’ve met honor flights of WW II Veterans and walked among the stones of Arlington National Cemetery.

Anyone who has these images in their mind’s eye cannot consider skipping a vote against a freedom killing bill.  There were no good choices but there could only be one decision and that was to go “all-in” to kill the bill.”

Congressman King’s stand was important—even if it did not save the day—and in doing so, he displayed the fierce determination to preserve our freedoms that has been the hallmark of his time in Congress. Hailing from a congressional district that is a leader in ethanol production, wind power, and agriculture, King has gained a reputation as an expert on alternative energy and agricultural issues. However, above all, his purpose is to lead the fight in Congress against the government takeover of every aspect of our lives. To his credit, he sees the ominous trend, when others are either blind or do not to care. He is the Left’s worst nightmare, and you can be sure that the Left will vigorously oppose him whenever he runs for office the next time. He is just that good and that effective.
While we are sorry he missed his son’s wedding, we are proud of him for doing so. And, none of us who know him are surprised.  Unlike many in Congress, Steve King understands one central and ominous truth above all: those precious freedoms that this country has enjoyed for over two centuries, bought by the sweat, toil, and blood of generations long passed, are disappearing in our time. And future generations of Kings may not live to see the freedoms for which Steve King is tirelessly fighting.

William Kevin Stoos Most recent columns

Copyright © 2009 William Kevin Stoos
The author of Stoos Views is a freelance writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in Carmelite Digest,  Family Digest, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Encyclopedia Britannica Online. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status in the category of international politics and foreign affairs. His book, The Woodcarver (And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was just released in July of 2009. Royalties from that book go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.